some days are better than others

well, I guess things can't be perfect forever. That is my cynic self talking. I thought I got rid of her. :) anyway, I have realized that life is good, which is something I really didn't believe when I was younger. But, sometimes, I wish that things could just work, you know? Here's the deal. I know that planning for the future can be very challenging. Change can be challenging, career choices can be challenging, decided where to live and who to be friends with and who to date can be challenging, etc. Now, what I have realized is that doing all that with another person in mind can be even more challenging.

We all have the same questions. Where will I be living in 2, 5, or 10 years? What will I be doing? Where will I be working? Will I be affecting others? Will I be making changes? Will I be married or single or dating? Will I have children? Will I have achieved my goals? Will I regret any decisions? Will I have the chance to experience what I want to experience? Will I have lived my life to my fullest capabilities?

Life is so unexpected and can be so unpredictable. I am really enjoying my new job, but I have also found myself asking, do I really want to work 9-6 for the rest of my life. I feel good that my work is helping others, especially children. But, I also wonder if there is more to this life. I think of exploring the world, of seeing other places, of helping other people. I feel that I have left behind so much of who I am when I left Austin and UT. When I was there, I felt like I had a cause, I felt like I was making changes, like I was affecting people. I don't feel that anymore and I think that really affects me. I don't usually talk very highly of myself, but I feel that I have some talents. I feel that I can motivate others when I am passionate about something. I feel that I have the organizational skills to develop programs and make changes. I feel that I can really make a difference in this shitty world of ours. Now, there are a few things holding me back. Well, really one thing...Fear. I have a fear of making a big leap. What if I fail? What if I cant handle it? What if..., what if...? I guess only time will tell, but I hate waiting. :)

anyway, all of this refers to Michael and I and the PeaceCorps. I am not sure what he is thinking about all this, but I think I want to do it. I would love to work at this job for a year and then head out to the middle east and help them make some much needed changes. I could overcome these fears I have of making such big changes. I know that I am capable and independent and very determined, but for some reason when it comes to leaving my family and friends to head over seas for 2 years, I get scared. Anyway, this is my rambling, so I think I am going to cut this off. Have a great day everyone.