sometimes feelings overwhelm a person

bear with me on this entry, everyone. i think it might be more stream of conciousness. there is a lot going on in my head right now.

sometime, i wonder how we make it through our lives, day by day, hour by hour, class by class, session by session, with all these thougths and feelings running through our heads. there are so many things to feel about so many different people and things in this world. sometimes, i wonder who can i talk to about certain things? i think maybe i should just write it down and then i will not think about it anymore. sometimes, i wish things that have happened in this world could be redone, even changed. when do i take the leap and say i am done feeling this way? i want to sleep like others sleep. i dont want to be afraid to tell those that i love that i do love them. i dont want to worry about what i say and do and how that would affect others. i want to be able to express and share things that are deep within me, but the words are so hard to find. I can think the words in my head and want to say them out loud so much, but i just cant seem to let myself. I worry that views of me will change. i feel so happy most of the time, which is not how my life used to be. but, there are sometimes when feelings just fill my head and i dont know where to go with them. It seems that they are too much to handle at the time.

please dont take the above for more than it is worth. I am very happy with my life right now. i just wonder how i take these risks and fear that i will get hurt. everytime i let someone into my life, it seems to end with me getting hurt. I am not sure if that is because of me or them, but it is all i have experienced. I wonder if there is ever a point in a relationship where you just know that this is it. you dont have to fear anymore that you will give that person all that is deep within your soul and they will take it and run. does that feeling come when you decide to live with that person or does it just come with marriage or is there always the fear that you could be left in a heartbeat. I have seen relationships that i thought were it (5, 6 years long) just end. One person just says they cant do it anymore, they are not in love anymore. whatever it is. I guess i wish there was some kind of guarantee. I am so tired of getting hurt. i know that i can handle the heartache, but i just really dont want to anymore. i feel that i have lived my life in a good way and i feel that i deserve some security and goodness in my life. I dont want to always wonder how the other person feels, i want to know in my heart.

i think that all the above is probably how i feel, but i am also running on very little sleep and there are many thoughts cluttering my head. please take it all with a grain of salt, more just letting go by writing it down. i cant wait for thanksgiving. get to see so many people that i care about. peace out.